According to recent surveys in the USA, nearly 20 million couples have a sexless marriage. Relationship experts define this type of marriage as one in which the couple engages in sexual intimacy no more than ten times in a year. For some couples, that type of situation may actually suit them just fine, but for the majority, it is a problem and a serious one at that.
Sex is a very important part of marriage, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is foolish. When a marriage is devoid of sexual intimacy, it can stir some challenging emotions for one or both partners. Frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment and sadness are some of those emotions. Also, a sexless marriage is particularly vulnerable to infidelity, and ultimately, divorce. If you are living in a sexless marriage, the following are some of the reasons it may be happening. If you can determine the underlying issue (assuming you don’t know what it is) then you can work towards finding a solution.
For men, there are a variety of reasons why they have either lost interest in sex itself or lost the desire for their wife. Some of the most reasons why men are the ones creating a sexless marriage are:
• His wife doesn’t like to be adventurous when it comes to sex
• His wife doesn’t really enjoy having sex
• His wife doesn’t turn him on – he is no longer attracted to her
• His wife has gained a lot of weight
• He has erectile dysfunction
• He is involved in an affair
• He’s bored in the relationship
For women, some of the problems are similar, but there are often some different reasons they may be creating a sexless marriage as well:
• Her husband treats her like an object – to her, sex feels like it is all about him
• She likes more traditional sex; he wants to do things she’s not comfortable with
• Her husband has let himself go and she is no longer attracted to him
• She’s angry at her husband
• She’s depressed
• She has a difficult time reaching orgasm
There are many other reasons for both men and women, but those are just a few that are often reported.
So what are some things you can do if you have found yourself co-existing with your spouse in a sexless marriage?
First, it is imperative that you open up the lines of communication. Not talking about it is like ignoring the very large elephant in the room in most cases. Continuing to ignore it or tiptoe around it is only going to result in the two of you growing further apart over time.
Sex is a powerful way to connect with each other, but particularly for men. While women are generally more comfortable talking about their feelings and expressing love in a variety of ways, many men show love and affection via sex. If yours is a sexless marriage, that connection is likely to wane, if not disappear altogether. Talking is very important to address the issue as well as to determine the best course of action to take.
Second, as you talk, determine in what ways each of you can compromise so that the relationship is sexually satisfying to both of you. If the problem, for example, is that one of you is much more adventurous than the other, perhaps you can find some middle ground which is mutually satisfying to both of you.
Third, if anger, bitterness or resentment is resulting in a sexless marriage, you must both be willing to get to the bottom of that issue and work through it. It may be that you need a therapist to help you, but one way or the other, letting go of angry or hurt feelings is vital to getting your marriage back on track. True intimacy cannot occur when hostility is present. The sooner you can forgive and let go, the sooner you can begin to have an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.